My Celebrate Recovery Testimony

Hello, my name is Brandie, I am a grateful believer and I come to Celebrate Recovery for Bulimia and food addiction - just to name a few things.

I had a great childhood! I was born ten months to the day after my parents were married and was their only child for about eight years. Therefore I received all the attention and love I wanted - my dad built forts out of cardboard boxes and created treasure hunts for me. My mom adored me and never failed to shower me with hugs and kisses. The three of us went to church on Sundays and my parents prayed with me every night. One of the things that I cherish most about my childhood is that I’ve always known that God was there, that He loved me and that I could talk to Him any time I wanted. So, I grew up happy – feeling loved and adored by God, my parents and family – a huge blessing that I cherish more and more the older I get.

However, it just goes to show you that you can have a great childhood filled with love and support and sin will still find you – or rather, you will still find sin. I was in this loving environment when for some reason I decided that I was fat and began resting my self-worth on my body. I can remember having my picture taken when I was about three thinking that my cheeks were too chubby – but of course, I was not chubby. I grew up a very healthy weight – not over or under. But when I compared my body to my friends’ very petite body, I came out bigger. 

It took several years of building on these lies before I physically began acting on my fears. When I hit puberty, my body of course began changing and again, I equated this to being fat. Boys began treating me differently which I quickly blamed on the size of my body. I began pulling away from men/boys including my father, afraid that he would notice and treat me differently too. Noticing my pulling away and perhaps thinking I needed space, he too backed away and deep down I began believing another lie that had been creeping in – men don’t love women who are ugly and fat. Of course, when I say these things out loud, I realize how absurd they are – my dad’s love, my friends acceptance, my self-worth weren’t based on how I looked but I clung to these lies deep down anyway.  There were times when truth wiggled its way into my thoughts but it was quickly replaced with self condemnation. The scary thing is that, like most sin, I didn’t even realize I was actually believing these things – didn’t realize how I was planting these horrible lies and cultivating them every day.

Eventually I began going to food for comfort and thus another part of my battle began.

I became a Christian when I was ten years old and I started flirting with bulimia when I was about eleven. One Thanksgiving, I remember feeling physically nauseas,  having eaten way too much and I knew that if I could just throw up I would feel better. Unfortunately, it was very easy for me to force myself to vomit and – even more unfortunate, it “worked”. I immediately felt better physically and emotionally. I felt that I had been able to eat all that I wanted and now I wouldn’t have to pay for any of it with weight gain or tighter clothes. What usually followed was a false sense of self righteousness and self discipline.

This continued for several years – just forcing myself to purge when I had really over eaten – like at Thanksgiving or other “eat lots of food” holidays – and in this country, we have lots of those.  But even though I wasn’t practicing bulimia on a daily basis, I was practicing self condemnation, comparing my body to others’ and feeling terrible about myself in general.  My self esteem was so low that if a boy started to like me, I looked down on him for doing so – after all, there must be something wrong with him if he actually likes me.

As I began to mature in my walk with Christ, His grace kept a lot of this at bay. When I graduated from High School, my life was fairly balanced – my weight was good, my self esteem wasn’t too bad, I was still pursuing the Lord and I generally felt pretty good about things.

When I was nineteen, I felt like I had it all – I lived with my best friend, was going to UNT and had a boyfriend that I was crazy about. However, my best friend and I were obsessed about weight and we were terrible influences on each other in this area. We would weigh ourselves a couple of times a day, talk about all the calories we had eaten, get in front of the mirror and rip our bodies apart. Even though I was physically in pretty good shape (about a size 4-6), I still saw someone who was overweight and if I looked good in the mirror, then I had pulled off a mirage.

At this point, I was binging and purging on a regular basis – at least once to sometimes several times a day. I was not only forcing myself to throw up after big meals, but small ones too.  I was careful to drink lots of water after words and brush my teeth – you know, so I could be a good steward of my body. I would also purge by excessive exercise from time to time. No one really knew what was going on – I looked healthy and didn’t seem to be having any self esteem issues – I had gotten really good at hiding and lying. I was studying Psychology at the time and remember reading about bulimia thinking that if people knew what I was doing, they would mistakenly think I was bulimic. Denial is found in ALL kinds of sin!!! I was slowly pulling more and more away from the Lord and though my life didn’t look all that bad, sin was definitely consuming me. But thankfully, when sin increases, so does grace!

God was gently tapping me on the shoulder, telling me that I needed help. I politely kept brushing Him off telling Him that I was in control and doing just fine. I was going to prove that I was in control and was able to stop binging and purging. I would go for several days without making myself throw up and would feel a false sense of righteousness. But pride comes before a fall and eventually I found myself sitting beside the toilet having just vomited, so afraid to admit my defeat. After all, if I can’t be in control of my actions, who can?? If I can’t stop myself from eating too much and throwing up no one else is going to have a shot! I felt so hopeless – voicing my fears to God - “I’m too weak to not eat too much, Lord and if I can’t throw it up, I’ll just gain weight. If I get fat, I won’t be worth it. I won’t be worth loving or even liking. I won’t have a shot at having a good life or being happy.”

He asked me to trust Him and even though I saw absolutely no way out of this cycle, I began to accept changes that were going to be made. Within about three months, I had told my parents about the bulimia and was seeing a counselor, my boyfriend and I had broken up and my best friend got married which pretty much took her out of my life. God brought me into a phenomenal College Ministry at Denton Bible Church and as I began giving Him my filthy rags, He began replacing them with jewels. My spiritual journey back to the Lord had begun.

 For the next twelve years, I went to counselors off and on, participated in Bible studies, had accountability partners, mentors, etc. but I was still struggling with bulimia and since I wasn’t purging on a regular basis, I was gaining weight. I was still turning to food and because the weight was creeping up at a really slow pace, it was easy to be in denial about. Instead of being in control, I just gave up control – not knowing how to control but not control – if that makes any sense. I would later learn that one of my problems is that I obsess about or deny internal issues. Finding a balance is difficult!

Every now and then I would have friends who would try to help by telling me to just eat healthy and exercise. I remember thinking that if that is all it took, no one would be overweight. One friend out of nowhere decided that it was her job to fix me and thus began many conversations of what I needed to do. I would get really frustrated trying to tell her, that her having only ten pounds to lose and losing it through diet and exercise was not at all like me being a hundred pounds overweight with bulimia and a food addiction. “Just cut out sugar, Brandie” – as if self control was all I needed. I ended up in tears several times because deep down I believed this was the problem – no self control. And yet when I did try to be self controlled, I ended up binging and purging. Confusion, frustration, resentments and self condemnation would thrive in conversations like these. Eventually she stopped talking to me and deep down I fed that lie that I wasn’t worth it since I couldn’t be fixed.

Her intentions were good and she wasn’t alone in wanting to help me. Relating myself to an alcoholic and saying that eating food was like being told I have to drink a shot every three to four hours but not get tipsy or drunk (i.e., overeat) was not understood by those who have never had an addiction or major stronghold. I would try letting them know that going to gyms, trying new healthy diets, keeping food journals, etc. were like walking into a bar for me. My control feelings would be triggered which would inevitably lead me into my insanity cycle of obsessing, binging and purging. I would later find people who understand this in Celebrate Recovery – and be so thankful that I was not the only crazy, broken person on the planet!

Despite knowing that self control was not the answer, I was always secretly looking for the lucky rabbit’s foot that was going to bring me out of this. If I join this gym, start this exercise program, do this Bible study, eat this way, say this prayer daily, then I will be free. I began to realize that I was looking for some magic charm – and even worse, looking at God as if He were some force that I could manipulate into giving me what I wanted. Like the pagans used to do when they wanted something – if I can sacrifice the right things or say the right mantra, God will grant me what I want. Thankfully, God forgives and I still find myself repenting of this way of thinking from time to time.

By 2008, I had gained over 100 pounds and was still struggling with bulimia and self loathing.  Deep down I was thinking, “For crying out loud, I’m a Christian and am not supposed to have idols!! I know God’s truth about all this, why am I clinging to lies!! What kind of example am I setting with this body!” I was coming to the end of my rope, feeling scared, angry, embarrassed, and tired of fighting. I had been researching eating disorder facilities and high priced specialists, praying for insurance to cover them – which it wouldn’t. I believe the Lord was allowing me to come to this place, where lack of pride would get me to my knees once again. For several years, I had been in denial that I was still struggling with bulimia. I had begged God to take this weight and love of food away for so long – I had cried rivers of tears in my pleading with Him – surely that day was about to come where “poof” – the weight falls off and I can eat like a normal person from now on!!

That is when I came to the Celebrate Recovery booth at church. I saw a small pamphlet on Eating Disorders and I picked it up. I knew the Lord had provided this for me – if I had not been in a desperate frame of mind, I may not have considered looking into Celebrate Recovery. Thankfully, shortly after I came, a new step study began. I worked the steps and shared in small groups and things started coming into focus. I was able to see patterns in my life and insanity cycles. I had a lot of anger and resentments. I had a list of people who had hurt me and caused pain – from verbal abuse within my family to the little girl on the playground in elementary school – big things and “stupid” little things – all of them came to the surface for me to work out with God. It was amazing.

Besides the peace that came with letting so much go, I realized that my biggest enemy was myself. I had caused more pain than everyone in my life put together. All the internal loathing, dirty looks I gave myself, picking my body apart, eating too much, forcing myself to vomit, telling myself that I’m not worth it, treating my body as if it is a huge curse, etc. – all of it was taking its toll on me physically, mentally and spiritually. I had no idea I was doing so much to myself and didn’t have a clue that it was actually hurting me so badly.

I also had to face the fact that I loved my prison of food addiction, bulimia and self condemnation. This realization was horrific to me. One night I realized that while Jesus was standing there at the door of my prison, beckoning me to come out, I was clinging to my prison bars for dear life. I was begging to be released from it while holding on tight afraid that He would make me walk out. SIN IS SO TWISTED!!! I realized that I needed more than an open door – my prison made of sin wasn’t keeping me in my state of addiction, hatred and anger – my heart was. I love my sin, my idols and hate them at the same time. I needed Jesus to change my heart – the roots of my issues were flowing from a place that I was not capable of changing. I began to pray for Jesus to change my desires. Imagine, asking Jesus, who has already given so much, to change my heart – to help me love Him more than food/control – more than my prison. There is a lot of shame and yet this puts me exactly where He wants me – humbled completely before His feet.

One day, I was reading a book and the words “You’re worth it, you know” popped up. I know it sounds crazy but I immediately knew that those words were from the Lord directly to me! He was telling me that I was worth the cross – I just started crying. I can’t tell you how much my heart needed to hear those words – and from the Lord of the Universe. I can’t fathom this truth. Romans 5:8 came into my quiet time shortly after - “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” One of the biggest lies that I have found deeply rooted in my heart, is that once you know the truth, you should never sin again. But He tells me that He died for me while I was still sinning – and though I keep sinning, He still believes me to be worth it! He began to show me how jealous He is of my heart – He wants so much for me to give all that I have and is jealous when I give myself to the world. Thus, those things I’ve always believe about myself can’t be true – I can’t be worthless. I can’t be less loved whether I’m overweight or not.  My significance to the only One that matters is beyond my comprehension – He created me beautiful, feminine, lovely – He created me to be satisfied only by Him. The God of the Universe created me to need only Him – that is how much He loves me! Mind blowing.

With this knowledge very slowly sinking in and with the help of my sponsor and the CR steps, I’m making some progress. When I find myself getting angry or obsessing (many times those two seem to come together), I stop and remember to ask the Lord to show me what the root issue really is and go from there. I try to focus on doing what is right and pleasing to Him instead of acting on my feelings. One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”

When I find myself ripping myself up, I stop and recognize those lies. I begin to bring back all the truths that God has given me – such as the fact that I am created in His image, that He pronounced me worthy when He died on the cross and that He calls me His Beloved! I remind myself that when I say I’m ugly and worthless, I am daring to call the Almighty a liar.

When I am tempted to keep eating after I’m full, I ask Jesus to help me give the remaining food to Him – showing Him that I love Him more. I keep in mind that he calls me to obedience out of love – so I may do these things not expecting weight loss or trying to control out of fear. I try to remain in a state of mind that I owe Him everything – obedience is not about buttering Him up to get what I want.  My goal is to continually get closer to the point when I can look at Jesus and say that I desire Him and absolutely nothing else – not a better body, not a better job, not a better bank account, nothing else but HIM! I want to get closer to the point where I can say that even if he never shows me any more grace than He already has, I will still walk in obedience simply because He is God.

 Besides calling my sponsor, I attend CR regularly, I take mini inventories, I have a daily quiet time with the Lord, I try to listen to praise music and sermons on CD’s while in my car – generally trying to surround myself with truths. I have found that doing these things tend to help. They don’t prevent me from sinning, nor do they prevent hard days – they just help me to remember more quickly to do the next right thing and what that is.

As of this coming August 2009, it will be two years since I have forced myself to throw up. I have given many resentments up and have laid tons of anger at Christ’s feet. I have seen many victories in my life and Jesus is the only one who deserves the glory. I still struggle with my food addiction and self esteem but like I said, I’ve made progress. I run to the cross a little quicker and I recognize the lies quicker and begin to act in obedience a little more often than I used to. This struggle is far from over but day by day, I can see Him chipping away little, tiny pieces of my selfish self.

On a side note – a few months ago, we got to do cardboard testimonies at Valley Creek Church one Sunday. Several of us from CR were involved – and we had a really wonderful response. I was thinking later that day of how I had hid this for so long – it was a dark, embarrassing, shameful secret that I was going to hold on to FOREVER! That weekend, I found myself standing in front of the church with a card board sign stating “Bulimic 20 Years” on one side and “Bondage Broken” on the other. It was one of the most freeing things I’ve ever done!! The power of God never fails to overwhelm me.

Thank you!