2 and a half years later

I have been focusing my blog efforts on my other blog www.bransnmongolia.blogspot.com but recently was looking through this one. The last line of my last blog goes like this:
"Other trials have left me feeling rejected, isolated, ill-equipped and exhausted. All of them have pointed out weaknesses that needed to be turned over to the Lord, faith that needed to be strengthened, visions that needed to be focused, hindrances that needed to be thrown off, and so on. All this and I haven't even stepped on a plane yet. "

These trials did not end once I stepped on that plane! I was reading through a journal that I've kept since I moved here the other day and these trials only got bigger! Not only was I being tested emotionally and spiritually but physically as well. For example, I wrote about the blisters on my feet from walking so much and the many, many times when I would be walking behind my teammates, trying to keep up but my blisters and my out of shape body had me in pain and gasping for breath. I wanted to cry many times but didn't have the energy! It was always a mile further, a few more flights of stairs, another hour more than I had the strength for. I came to my end physically, emotionally and spiritually just about everyday - then add the mental exercise of trying to learn a completely foreign language. There were other difficult things such as missing one of my best friends wedding, the birth of my first nephew, the death of my first dog, family members who were going through major health problems, friends who are now battling cancer, holidays, birthdays, and the list goes on and on.

However, these things pale in comparison to what He has taught me. Each time I reached the end of me, He was there to give me the strength I needed to finish, teammates who didn't mind at all that I was slowing us down, blisters that healed and left nice callouses, weight loss, friends who supported me, Skype to see my brand new nephew in the hospital shortly after he was born, comfort, email and the internet so I can keep up with sick friends and family. And on top of all these things, He still gave me the honor of speaking His name in a dark place, sharing His Good News with people who've never heard it before, letting me work the fields in a country that just barely knows His name. I'm speechless and overwhelmed at this thought!!

I've often asked the same question of Him over and over again: who am I?? Who am I that You would let my voice be the one You use to speak Your Name here? Who am I that You would let me be the one to tell these people about what You did for them? Who am I that You would place me in these students lives to be some sort of reflection of You? Who am I that You would keep Your promise to me? The answer of course is I am no one. He kept His promise not because of who I am but who He is. Yes, I am a daughter of the Most High and am covered in His Son's righteousness but He has placed me here to do these things not because of my talents, strengths, willingness to go, but because this is His plan and His plans don't fail.

Dive in!

I read a quote on the all-knowing site, Facebook, the other day about comparing God and His Word to the ocean and the more I thought about it, the more I LOVED it. 

 

I'm going to share the things that floated (pun intended) through my mind while pondering this - which means I'm going to give you a visual. If I could, I'd asked you to close your eyes and picture this while reading.

I imagined that I had never been to the ocean before and didn't know much about it. I'd heard rumors but they usually contradicted each other. And now, I'm standing at the edge with my feet in the white sand and the clear, blue ocean before me. 

I step in. The small waves dance around my ankles. The water is warm and a bit foamy. I didn't expect the ocean to move like this and the further I go in, the more off balance I become. I walk in waist deep and think about how I didn't realize the ocean was so deep.

I decide to look under the surface and everything is blurry and my eyes begin to sting. I'm offered some goggles and are told that while I may think the problem is with the ocean, it's actually with my eyes. Doubtful, I put the goggles on and don't see how they are going to help as they don't change the way I see things above the water. Skeptical, I look under water again.

I'm stunned for a moment. It worked! I can see! I watch the rays of sunlight dance on the floor and the brightly colored fish - it's all so incredible! I stay there for a moment, letting go of myself and allowing the water to carry me back and forth while allowing these new images sink in, realizing there was a whole other world waiting here the whole time. I think about how much I love the ocean! It's warm, it's colorful, it's beautiful. I'm hooked.

And I'm a little thirsty. So, I take a big gulp of water, knowing it will taste just like other water I've tasted. I jolt up out of the water, coughing and spatting! What the heck was that!?!?! Feelings of revolt and of betrayal rise up while I keep spitting and spitting, trying to get every last drop of sea water out of my mouth. I rip the goggles off and salty sea water drips into my eyes. They begin to sting and my confusion continues to rise up. 

This isn't what the ocean is supposed to be like. Is it? I think about turning back to the beach and never coming back. But I think about what's below the surface and I want to know more. 

I put my goggles back on. I walk out further until  the waves are so powerful that I have a hard time keeping balanced. They are pushing me towards the shore but I fight against them, having been told that once I get past them, it's easier. I see others turning back which for some reason, pushes me to fight harder. I finally do get past them, exhausted. But my feet don't touch the bottom anymore and panic starts to rise. Someone teaches me to let go and  float. I do for a while but once I have a short rest, I'm ready to look again. I hold my breath and dive under, getting the hang of manipulating my body in completely different ways than I have before. Something else that I didn't expect, not being able to move as fast or as precisely.  Wow, I never knew the ocean was so deep.

The further out I go, the deeper the ocean gets, the bigger it becomes and the smaller I feel. I realize that I'm in a world that I'm not equipped to be in. I need others to help guide me, I need goggles, I need scuba gear. I get stung by jelly fish, I witness schools of brightly colored fish all swimming in unison, I scratch my legs on coral, I watch as whales jump out of the water, I see fish that actually light up, I watch as sharks encircle me and laugh as dolphins and seals play with me, I marvel at the way the currents move and the genius and creativity of all the creatures found. 

  Due to my sin, doubt, ignorance and wretchedness, I am not equipped to be with God either. I need Jesus to provide a way for me to survive (scuba gear like my salvation - John 14:6 - a  wetsuit like robes of righteousness - Isaiah 61:10).  I continually think of God smaller than He is - at first, He's nice, warm and shallow like when I first put my feet in the ocean. Then, He's about waist deep with really cool fish.  The box I put Him in gets a little bigger  but I still commit the sin of thinking Him so small. Thinking He can actually fit into this tiny box that I call my mind. When He doesn't fit, it's frustrating and uncomfortable to say the least, not to mention, many times, painful. Sometimes He's salty when I want Him to be sweet. Sometimes He makes everything around me chaotic when I just want peace. Sometimes I want adventure and danger but He gives me  steady and monotonous.  Sometimes He has me surrounded by blood thirsty sharks when I just want to play with seals and dolphins. Sometimes I want the world to revolve around me but He shows me how truly small and insignificant I am without Him.

   

I've come across so many people who love God and reading His Word until they come across something that tastes salty when they want sweet. Until the playful fun animals leave and they are replaced by predators. He created both (Isaiah 45:7, Ecclesiastes 7:14) and He uses it all for good (Romans 8:28). The more we learn about the ocean, the more we realize how little we knew. Same with the Word, it gets bigger and deeper the more you read. You're never going to finish because at first you are only looking at the fish and noticing the water temperature, but you missed so much - like what the sand is made of, the tiny organisms you can't see, where the different currents are going and why, etc. You read the history and seem to get the gist but there are so many other questions to be asked and answers to be uncovered. 

Let Him teach you about Himself and know that you will never be able to know it all. Know that He will show you things that will scare you, make you uncomfortable, make you hurt, make you mourn. Know that He will also show you things that will exhilarate you, that will make you laugh, that will heal you, that will make every cell in your body be electrified and feel as though you have been flung into another brilliant, marvelous, awe-inspiring world.

The journey so far...

On my mind lately has been my journey to be a missionary so far. I'm writing this blog on this page because I can be a little more frank - needing to be careful on the other that promotes this mission.

I have about three months before I depart from my home, family, friends, life as I know it and go live on the other side of the world.
When I read that sentence, I realize how scary it sounds and understand why people keep thinking I'm brave and yet I couldn't be more excited. Just another fact that reminds me that this change is from the Lord - not only has He called me to this adventure, but He also gave me a huge desire to follow Him into this adventure without fear. Before this calling, I couldn't have cared less about a lost country on the other side of the globe, didn't want to be a missionary and did not want to move to a completely different culture. And honestly, did not understand what a "calling" truly was.
But the Lord spoke into my heart an adventure, an honor of working fields I've never been to, an invitation to step out of the boat and walk on water with Him. Soon after, I was begging Him to let me go, having dared believe that He would actually let me be a part of His plan, be a witness to His Spirit moving through a dark place.
This began about a year and a half ago now and I've gone through several unexpected trials. The first being that several members of my family thought I was crazy to want to go, that I had made the decision out of pure ignorance, that I was being swindled and totally reckless. This was a little devastating to me but God reminded me that He also faced opposition from His family (on a larger scale of course) and that it was Him I needed to obey, Him I needed to seek my approval from. A lesson that for some reason is so much more difficult to get right than it should be.
Another unexpected trial came about half way through my fundraising process. Funds weren't coming in and doors were staying shut and for a few months, I started to think that God may not provide for this mission in time for me to go in 2012. I couldn't stand the thought of having to wait another year or worse, not go ever. I began to doubt God's plan and His provision and it was more devastating then my first trial. I heard the enemy whispering thoughts of God being a fickle Being who gives a gift and once I get excited about it, snatches it away out of spite. But I finally gave in to the Lord who kept gently reminding me that He was after my heart and that He moves in my life with purpose - that everything is for His glory and my benefit. Realizing that I needed to lay this mission on the alter like Abraham did with Isaac I finally came to the point where I could fall to my knees and say: this mission is precious to me Lord but if you want me to give it back to you, so be it. I'll give up the adventure, the life purpose, the life change that seems to make my past life make sense and the place in Your plan I've come to covet. I will covet Your will over mine.
Soon after this, more funds came in and I realized that this trial was over. At least for the time being. This trial, as all do, has given me the opportunity to get closer to the point when I can look at Christ and tell Him honestly that all I want is Him and nothing else.

Other trials have left me feeling rejected, isolated, ill-equipped and exhausted. All of them have pointed out weaknesses that needed to be turned over to the Lord, faith that needed to be strengthened, visions that needed to be focused, hindrances that needed to be thrown off, and so on. All this and I haven't even stepped on a plane yet.

Addictions

I've been thinking about addictions alot lately...well for about the past three years. While involved in Celebrate Recovery, addictions are brought to the surface in every session, so at least two-three times a week, I'm faced with my own and other people's.

As my  relationship with the Lord has grown, I have realized that every desire I have was put there by Him for Him to fill. It seems as though all these desires get corrupted, perverted and misguided by the enemy, the world and myself. This gives me hope though - it tells me that my desire is from the Lord and was put there with good purpose - that once straightened out, I will finally feel the satisfaction I've been craving.

For example, I used to be hooked on romance novels. Yes, "porn for women" - lovely I know. What those books would do is awaken and feed strong desires to be desired, pursued, loved beyond my imagination -especially by a hero that is almost god-like. I also realized I wanted adventure and as a single, that I was desperate for my own love story. After a while, I put them down, feeling as though all they did was give me false hope, a sense of entitlement and a ridiculously high bar for any man that would walk into my life - I figured I was dooming any potential husband and setting myself up for horrible disappointment. So I just like throwing out bad books, I also repressed all those desires for quite a while.

Then I picked up another love story and all those desires came back with a vengance. I brought it up with God and realized that what I was craving, only He could provide. Those desires weren't meant to be stifled down and ignored - they were meant to be brought before Him so that He could be my HERO. He started showing me how He woos me everyday, how beautiful I am to Him, all that He went through to rescue me, how He was jealous when I would put other men before Him, etc.  When I give these desires to Him, I feel like a true heroine in the most amazing love story/adventure EVER! I saw how the enemy got me by either giving me false hope or making me miss out - so darn clever.

So what about my other addictions/desires? The enemy offers me food, telling me I don't need to go to God because I'm anxious, nervous, tired, etc. - I just need to treat myself to "comfort" foods. The enemy tells my friend that she doesn't need to go to God to relax a bit, she just needs to smoke another cigarette. He tells my other friend that he doesn't need to face his problems with God, he just needs to escape into some alcohol. And on and on.

Did God give us "addictive" personalities so that we would be addicted to Him? Why not?! "Addiction" is such a bad word and yet I think that word pretty much sums up how we are to feel about God - only this ultimate addiction would actually bring what we're craving with other addictions - peace, joy, stimulus, answers, etc. It seems as though this goes along with the "God-shaped hole" that we Christians like to talk about.

So, I'm daring to believe that behind every addiction, is the truth of God - a desire placed there by God, that is to be filled by God with the same loyal, focused and driven passion that we currently have...

Trading Flesh for Flesh

I was walking through a store the other day and saw a CD that reminded me of an old boyfriend. For a split second, I thought about buying it and getting back into that style of music - maybe if he ever found out I was still into it, he'd think I was cool. What?!?!? I quickly snapped out of the Jr. High type of ridiculous thinking, feeling embarrassed and thanked the Lord (AGAIN) that our thoughts are private! As if I still liked him, as if he would know I listened to it, as if it would make a difference, as if I cared whether or not he likes me anymore.

But it got me to thinking about how easily we/I change for others. Maybe if I like the same things this guy that I want to date likes, or this girl that I want to be friends with likes, he/she will like me back. Or, if I look/act like this other person that he likes, he'll like me too. I've bought clothes that weren't "me", had hairstyles, makeup, bought music, watched movies, etc. all to try to attract others to me. It's like I'm trading my flesh for someone else's - trading who I am to be someone else.

But why? Where does this innate desire come from? As a Christian, the answer was obvious. My Creator. We are meant to exchange our flesh for His. We are to look like Him, to be a reflection, to give our desires and allow Him to give us His.

Which makes me think that this is a huge desire that we all have - to trade ourselves for someone else. It can be very subtle and many times, we may be completely oblivious. But as I think about this more and more, I realize that I do this everyday. I wear clothes that I'm not too fond of so that I can play an acceptable role for those I work for. I develop a taste for certain music, movies, sports, etc. so that I can fit in better with those around me. Of course, there are other factors involved in these decisions - acceptance, respect, expectations, etc.

It seems to reason though, that if I only trade myself, my flesh, in for the Lord's, I will be who I was truly created to be - not a copy of someone else. As long as I keep trading my flesh for someone else's, I won't be satisfied. I've tried being other people, I've tried being myself - neither brought satisfaction. But in those times when I'm living for Him, thinking about Him, doing things that attract Him, etc., I have true peace.

Just one more area that I'm realizing I've screwed up royaly in my entire life. Another way I put others and myself before Him. No wonder I struggled with self loathing for so long - there is nothing redeeming in my flesh or the flesh of others.

Star Wars Apron, Warm Fuzzy's and Cooking

I recently bought this apron and I LOVE it. It has inspired me to cook more. No idea why.

But I feel warm fuzzy's when I put it on. I really wanted to buy the cookie cutters, pancake molds and lunch box to go with it so I was proud that I only walked out with just this.

It's the little things in life.

Playing Biggest Loser with the Fam

My mom, brother, sister-in-law, and myself are wanting to lose weight - and have been wanting to do so for a while now. Unfortunately, things seem to not move so fast until there's a fire. Diabetes, the desire to be in shape for a baby and the desire to get married are some of the main fires that popped up. For the past couple of weeks, the four of us have been making changes - from cutting out sugar/most carbs, dairy and meat to seeking medical help. We decided to see who could lose the most percentage in four months - those that don't win throw $30 each to the person who does so they can go buy some new clothes.



So. I want to win.

Part of this blog will be my keeping track of my journey. I've dieted before but always gain the weight back plus some - it always comes back with a vengeance. Having struggled with bulimia for twenty years, I have to be careful - certain things inevitably lead me down into that insanity cycle - a cycle that was broken about two years ago and I would really rather not go there again. 

My plan is to continue in a ministry called Celebrate Recovery - this faith based, 12 step program has done amazing things in my life! I'm seeking help for my food addiction currently - my plans don't work without Christ, therefore, turning my hurts, habits and hangups over to Him instead of turning to food is a HUGE part of what I'm trying to do here.

The other part of this plan is to follow (loosely) a vegan diet. My body has never been a fan of dairy (my mouth on the other hand...) so I'm going to cut most if not all of it out. I'm also going to try to cut out meat - this is the "loosely" part as I intend to eat chicken or seafood once in a while....maybe a burger every now and then. I read "Skinny Bitch" last year and it made a lot of sense - beware that there is crude language and horrifying stories - but overall, I enjoyed it so I'm making several changes it suggested.




As a family, we can be fairly competitive so I'm excited. We can also lose interest too. Weight has been a difficult struggle, at least for my mom, brother and I, for YEARS. Food has been an idol and it's roots have grown fairly deep so this won't be easy. However, walking through a dessert of testing together could help us so we'll see :)