On my mind lately has been my journey to be a missionary so far. I'm writing this blog on this page because I can be a little more frank - needing to be careful on the other that promotes this mission.
I have about three months before I depart from my home, family, friends, life as I know it and go live on the other side of the world.
When I read that sentence, I realize how scary it sounds and understand why people keep thinking I'm brave and yet I couldn't be more excited. Just another fact that reminds me that this change is from the Lord - not only has He called me to this adventure, but He also gave me a huge desire to follow Him into this adventure without fear. Before this calling, I couldn't have cared less about a lost country on the other side of the globe, didn't want to be a missionary and did not want to move to a completely different culture. And honestly, did not understand what a "calling" truly was.
But the Lord spoke into my heart an adventure, an honor of working fields I've never been to, an invitation to step out of the boat and walk on water with Him. Soon after, I was begging Him to let me go, having dared believe that He would actually let me be a part of His plan, be a witness to His Spirit moving through a dark place.
This began about a year and a half ago now and I've gone through several unexpected trials. The first being that several members of my family thought I was crazy to want to go, that I had made the decision out of pure ignorance, that I was being swindled and totally reckless. This was a little devastating to me but God reminded me that He also faced opposition from His family (on a larger scale of course) and that it was Him I needed to obey, Him I needed to seek my approval from. A lesson that for some reason is so much more difficult to get right than it should be.
Another unexpected trial came about half way through my fundraising process. Funds weren't coming in and doors were staying shut and for a few months, I started to think that God may not provide for this mission in time for me to go in 2012. I couldn't stand the thought of having to wait another year or worse, not go ever. I began to doubt God's plan and His provision and it was more devastating then my first trial. I heard the enemy whispering thoughts of God being a fickle Being who gives a gift and once I get excited about it, snatches it away out of spite. But I finally gave in to the Lord who kept gently reminding me that He was after my heart and that He moves in my life with purpose - that everything is for His glory and my benefit. Realizing that I needed to lay this mission on the alter like Abraham did with Isaac I finally came to the point where I could fall to my knees and say: this mission is precious to me Lord but if you want me to give it back to you, so be it. I'll give up the adventure, the life purpose, the life change that seems to make my past life make sense and the place in Your plan I've come to covet. I will covet Your will over mine.
Soon after this, more funds came in and I realized that this trial was over. At least for the time being. This trial, as all do, has given me the opportunity to get closer to the point when I can look at Christ and tell Him honestly that all I want is Him and nothing else.
Other trials have left me feeling rejected, isolated, ill-equipped and exhausted. All of them have pointed out weaknesses that needed to be turned over to the Lord, faith that needed to be strengthened, visions that needed to be focused, hindrances that needed to be thrown off, and so on. All this and I haven't even stepped on a plane yet.
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