2 and a half years later

I have been focusing my blog efforts on my other blog www.bransnmongolia.blogspot.com but recently was looking through this one. The last line of my last blog goes like this:
"Other trials have left me feeling rejected, isolated, ill-equipped and exhausted. All of them have pointed out weaknesses that needed to be turned over to the Lord, faith that needed to be strengthened, visions that needed to be focused, hindrances that needed to be thrown off, and so on. All this and I haven't even stepped on a plane yet. "

These trials did not end once I stepped on that plane! I was reading through a journal that I've kept since I moved here the other day and these trials only got bigger! Not only was I being tested emotionally and spiritually but physically as well. For example, I wrote about the blisters on my feet from walking so much and the many, many times when I would be walking behind my teammates, trying to keep up but my blisters and my out of shape body had me in pain and gasping for breath. I wanted to cry many times but didn't have the energy! It was always a mile further, a few more flights of stairs, another hour more than I had the strength for. I came to my end physically, emotionally and spiritually just about everyday - then add the mental exercise of trying to learn a completely foreign language. There were other difficult things such as missing one of my best friends wedding, the birth of my first nephew, the death of my first dog, family members who were going through major health problems, friends who are now battling cancer, holidays, birthdays, and the list goes on and on.

However, these things pale in comparison to what He has taught me. Each time I reached the end of me, He was there to give me the strength I needed to finish, teammates who didn't mind at all that I was slowing us down, blisters that healed and left nice callouses, weight loss, friends who supported me, Skype to see my brand new nephew in the hospital shortly after he was born, comfort, email and the internet so I can keep up with sick friends and family. And on top of all these things, He still gave me the honor of speaking His name in a dark place, sharing His Good News with people who've never heard it before, letting me work the fields in a country that just barely knows His name. I'm speechless and overwhelmed at this thought!!

I've often asked the same question of Him over and over again: who am I?? Who am I that You would let my voice be the one You use to speak Your Name here? Who am I that You would let me be the one to tell these people about what You did for them? Who am I that You would place me in these students lives to be some sort of reflection of You? Who am I that You would keep Your promise to me? The answer of course is I am no one. He kept His promise not because of who I am but who He is. Yes, I am a daughter of the Most High and am covered in His Son's righteousness but He has placed me here to do these things not because of my talents, strengths, willingness to go, but because this is His plan and His plans don't fail.

Dive in!

I read a quote on the all-knowing site, Facebook, the other day about comparing God and His Word to the ocean and the more I thought about it, the more I LOVED it. 

 

I'm going to share the things that floated (pun intended) through my mind while pondering this - which means I'm going to give you a visual. If I could, I'd asked you to close your eyes and picture this while reading.

I imagined that I had never been to the ocean before and didn't know much about it. I'd heard rumors but they usually contradicted each other. And now, I'm standing at the edge with my feet in the white sand and the clear, blue ocean before me. 

I step in. The small waves dance around my ankles. The water is warm and a bit foamy. I didn't expect the ocean to move like this and the further I go in, the more off balance I become. I walk in waist deep and think about how I didn't realize the ocean was so deep.

I decide to look under the surface and everything is blurry and my eyes begin to sting. I'm offered some goggles and are told that while I may think the problem is with the ocean, it's actually with my eyes. Doubtful, I put the goggles on and don't see how they are going to help as they don't change the way I see things above the water. Skeptical, I look under water again.

I'm stunned for a moment. It worked! I can see! I watch the rays of sunlight dance on the floor and the brightly colored fish - it's all so incredible! I stay there for a moment, letting go of myself and allowing the water to carry me back and forth while allowing these new images sink in, realizing there was a whole other world waiting here the whole time. I think about how much I love the ocean! It's warm, it's colorful, it's beautiful. I'm hooked.

And I'm a little thirsty. So, I take a big gulp of water, knowing it will taste just like other water I've tasted. I jolt up out of the water, coughing and spatting! What the heck was that!?!?! Feelings of revolt and of betrayal rise up while I keep spitting and spitting, trying to get every last drop of sea water out of my mouth. I rip the goggles off and salty sea water drips into my eyes. They begin to sting and my confusion continues to rise up. 

This isn't what the ocean is supposed to be like. Is it? I think about turning back to the beach and never coming back. But I think about what's below the surface and I want to know more. 

I put my goggles back on. I walk out further until  the waves are so powerful that I have a hard time keeping balanced. They are pushing me towards the shore but I fight against them, having been told that once I get past them, it's easier. I see others turning back which for some reason, pushes me to fight harder. I finally do get past them, exhausted. But my feet don't touch the bottom anymore and panic starts to rise. Someone teaches me to let go and  float. I do for a while but once I have a short rest, I'm ready to look again. I hold my breath and dive under, getting the hang of manipulating my body in completely different ways than I have before. Something else that I didn't expect, not being able to move as fast or as precisely.  Wow, I never knew the ocean was so deep.

The further out I go, the deeper the ocean gets, the bigger it becomes and the smaller I feel. I realize that I'm in a world that I'm not equipped to be in. I need others to help guide me, I need goggles, I need scuba gear. I get stung by jelly fish, I witness schools of brightly colored fish all swimming in unison, I scratch my legs on coral, I watch as whales jump out of the water, I see fish that actually light up, I watch as sharks encircle me and laugh as dolphins and seals play with me, I marvel at the way the currents move and the genius and creativity of all the creatures found. 

  Due to my sin, doubt, ignorance and wretchedness, I am not equipped to be with God either. I need Jesus to provide a way for me to survive (scuba gear like my salvation - John 14:6 - a  wetsuit like robes of righteousness - Isaiah 61:10).  I continually think of God smaller than He is - at first, He's nice, warm and shallow like when I first put my feet in the ocean. Then, He's about waist deep with really cool fish.  The box I put Him in gets a little bigger  but I still commit the sin of thinking Him so small. Thinking He can actually fit into this tiny box that I call my mind. When He doesn't fit, it's frustrating and uncomfortable to say the least, not to mention, many times, painful. Sometimes He's salty when I want Him to be sweet. Sometimes He makes everything around me chaotic when I just want peace. Sometimes I want adventure and danger but He gives me  steady and monotonous.  Sometimes He has me surrounded by blood thirsty sharks when I just want to play with seals and dolphins. Sometimes I want the world to revolve around me but He shows me how truly small and insignificant I am without Him.

   

I've come across so many people who love God and reading His Word until they come across something that tastes salty when they want sweet. Until the playful fun animals leave and they are replaced by predators. He created both (Isaiah 45:7, Ecclesiastes 7:14) and He uses it all for good (Romans 8:28). The more we learn about the ocean, the more we realize how little we knew. Same with the Word, it gets bigger and deeper the more you read. You're never going to finish because at first you are only looking at the fish and noticing the water temperature, but you missed so much - like what the sand is made of, the tiny organisms you can't see, where the different currents are going and why, etc. You read the history and seem to get the gist but there are so many other questions to be asked and answers to be uncovered. 

Let Him teach you about Himself and know that you will never be able to know it all. Know that He will show you things that will scare you, make you uncomfortable, make you hurt, make you mourn. Know that He will also show you things that will exhilarate you, that will make you laugh, that will heal you, that will make every cell in your body be electrified and feel as though you have been flung into another brilliant, marvelous, awe-inspiring world.